Stepping into the abyss
im afraid of finding the thing that makes perfect sense for when ive found it, all meaning is found and lost simultaneously, you know what i mean? Hypothetical person who might stumble upon this?
Hmm let me introduce myself, im a very simple kinda person who comes off as complicated when trying to explain myself through the intellect. The best way to get to know someone is to look into their eyes and if they are willing, they will open up their walls and let you in. What happens next is unknown until it happens and you and the person you are in contact with will know in that very moment. Its a rush!
I felt it once while sitting across a swing bed in a patio overlooking the mountains. The girl across from me was my crush, and dear friend. It was the day after the first time we hung out. I spend the night at her place and i was shy beyond words. I was frozen and i remember that when we went to bed, we layed on different edges of the bed, silent, stiff and nervous and excited in a tense state. We did not speak a single word and somehow fell asleep.
In the morning we were more comfortable, we snuggled and spooned each other and i gave her massages out of affection and then suddenly as we were sitting across from each other we were engaged in a gaze. It was almost like a staring contest at first and we smilingly looked into each others eyes without looking away. It did not take long for us to realize something was happening, the only way i can explain how it felt to be in that moment was as though i was a book flung open and each moment we continued to look into eachothers eyes our internal pages were being revealed to each other at a speed beyond my control or possible registry. We did not say much but so much was being shared in the moment that it was scary, overwhelming and freeing at the same time. I remember her making a comment that something special is happening to which i smiled, we continued to gaze deeper and deeper and suddently a chord inside me was struck and i looked away. I was not ready to go there with her. Or more accurately, i was not ready to go there myself.